Note: This list is not exhaustive (there are others). Revised 4-5-05.
Factors THAT ARE HARD TO CHANGE ONCE You are MARRIED:
– Having a personality tendency to react strongly or defensively to problems and disappointments
– Having divorced parents
– Living together prior to marriage
– Being previously divorced, yourself or your partner
– Having children from a previous marriage
– Having different religious backgrounds
– Marrying at a very young age (for example, at the age of 18 or 19; the average these days is about 26 or 27 years of age for first marriages, though the risks for divorce associated with marrying young appear to diminish greatly by around age 22).
– Knowing each other only for a short time before marriage
– Having a history with parents that leaves one feeling insecure and fearful of abandonment in
relationships as an adult
– Substance Abuse and Addiction problems (that does not change)
– Mental health problems can add to risk (but also can result from difficulties in marriage)
– Experiencing financial hardship
Factors that you can change to improve your odds, if you work at it:
– Negative styles of talking and fighting with each other, like arguments that rapidly become negative, put downs, and the silent treatment
– Difficulty communicating well, especially when you disagree
– Trouble handling disagreements as a team
– Some types of mental health problems and substance abuse issues are quite changeable
or can be improved, with work and support and treatment
– Unrealistic beliefs about marriage
– Having different attitudes and expectations about important things
– A low level of commitment to one another, reflected in such things as not protecting your relationship from others you are attracted to, or failing to view your marriage as a long term investment
Domestic violence can be a risk factor in marriage that is either dynamic or static,
depending on the type. Some of the most dangerous types, such as where a male uses intimidation to control a female are the least likely to change and are the most likely to present great danger to a woman.
Compiled by Drs. Scott Stanley and Howard Markman, University of Denver, co-authors of Fighting for Your Marriage; Markman Stanley, & Blumberg (2001)