Shaming
Words hurt. Words destroy. Words can kill a relationship
Pat Love, marriage therapist and educator, interviewed 1500 couples regarding relationships. Three very relevant findings surfaced:
- Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please a woman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a man does not simply want to please her – he lives to please her.
- Women can easily see how frightening men are to them because of the threat of physical abuse, but the do not see their own power to evoke shame.
- What women often interpret as withdrawn, uncaring men, for the most part, are men overwhelmed by the criticism and unhappiness coming from their partners.
Many women have no clue how critical and demeaning they are to men. They see it as they are just trying to make him a better person: more thoughtful, considerate, responsible, reliable and so on.
Off the top of her head, Pat came up with over fifty ways she had inadvertently shamed her husband. Here are a few:
- Excluding him from important decisions: “I told my sister we would vacation with them this year,”
- Robbing him of the opportunity to help (by over-functioning and over doing): “Don’t bother – I’ll to it.”
- Correcting what he said: “It was last Wednesday, not Thursday.”
- Questioning his judgment: “Are you going to cook those eggs one at a time?”
- Giving unsolicited advice: “If you would just call, you’ll feel better.”
- Ignoring his advice: “This is woman’s stuff – you really don’t know anything about it.”
- Implying inadequacy: “I wish you had been at that workshop with me.” (not because he would have enjoyed it but because it would have “corrected some of his flaws”)
- Making unrealistic demands of his time and energy: “After you rotate the tires and paint the shed, I want you to listen to how my day was.”
- Overreacting (which is a form of criticizing his choice or behavior): “I can’t believe you voted for him.”
- Ignoring his needs (basically sending the message that his are not important): “You’re not tired; anyway, having company will give you energy.”
- Focusing on what I didn’t get, not on what I did: “It would have been better if you’d said ‘I’m sorry’ to begin with.”
- Withholding praises: “Well it is your job to mow the lawn.”
- Using a harsh tone: “I am so tired of this!”
- Valuing other’s needs over his: Saying to a friend, “Oh, he’s not too tired to come to pick you up and take you back home after we have a nice visit.”
- Undermining his wishes: “Saying to a relative, “I agree to have a quiet Thanksgiving, but if you invite us, he couldn’t say no.”
- Condescending: “You did an okay job picking out your shirt.”
- Name-calling: “You’re such a negative person.”
- Belittling his work: “Just what is it you do all day?”
- Showing little or no interest in his interests: “I can’t imagine what you see in that.”
- Criticizing his family: “Your sister didn’t even offer to help clean up the kitchen!”
- Ignoring him: Choosing friends over his company.
- Interpreting him: “What you really meant when you said you were tired is that you don’t want to listen to me.”
- Comparing: “The neighbor’s yard sure looks better than ours.”
- Dismissing: “I have to work.” (implying he doesn’t)
- Focusing on my own unhappiness: “I can’t live this way.”
- Making “you” statements: “You make me so mad I can’t think straight!”
- Expecting him to make me happy: ““If we just did more fun things together…”
- Globalizing: “Men are not capable of understanding.”
- Generalizing: “You’re never help around the house.”
- Therapizing: “You are trying to make up for your father.”
- Projecting my unhappiness on him: “I feel bad when I don’t talk, so you can’t possibly feel okay if you are this quiet.”
Other forms of shaming include:
- Believing they always know what is best for the relationship
- Rolling eyes
- Giving “the look”
- Being sarcastic
- Ridiculing
- Suggesting a “better way”
- Having unrealistic expectations
- Criticizing him in front of other people
- Making him feel unnecessary
For an eye-opener write “true” or “false” next to each of the following statements (choose “true” if it applies to you at least some of the time):
- I exclude him from important decisions. ___
- I don’t always give him a chance to help. ___
- I correct things he says. ___
- I question his judgment. ___
- I give him unsolicited advice. ___
- I suggest how he should feel. ___
- I ignore his advice. ___
- I imply that he is inadequate in some areas. ___
- I’m often in a bad mood. ___
- I think that he should at least match my use of time and energy. ___
- When he says I overreact, I think he just doesn’t get it. ___
- I ignore his needs that I think aren’t important. ___
- I focus on what I don’t have instead of what I have. ___
- I withhold praise because I think he doesn’t really deserve it or because
I don’t want him to get a big head. ___
- I use a harsh tone to get through to him. ___
- I pay more attention to other people’s needs than to his. ___
- I undermine his wishes ___
- I am condescending to him. ___
- I lack respect for his work. ___
- I show little interest in his interests. ___
- I criticize his family. ___
- I interpret the “real meaning” of what he says and does. ___
- I compare him to other men or, worse, to my girlfriends. ___
- I don’t take his point of view seriously. ___
- I believe he just can’t see my unhappiness. ___
- I think he fails to make me happy. ___
- If I’m unhappy, I tell him that he must be unhappy, too. ___
- I roll my eyes when I think of some of the things he says and does. ___
- He says I give him “the look”. ___
- I am sometimes sarcastic to make my point or express my dissatisfaction
with his behaviors. ___
- I use ridicule to get through to him ___
- I usually have a “better way” of doing things. ___
- Sometimes I think he is a jerk. ___
- I have to tell him what he’s doing wrong. ___
- I tell him that he never helps enough. ___
- He can handle my feelings. ___
- I believe that if his childhood or previous relationships were different,
We wouldn’t have these problems. ___
- I think I do more than he does. ___
- I think that I understand relationships better than he does. ___
- My friends treat me better than he does. ___
- He disappoints me. ___
If you want some interesting feedback, ask him to take this quiz and see if he thinks you do any of these things.
When a woman criticizes a man, whether she does it deliberately or not, she makes it impossible for him to feel connected to her. Where there is a withdrawn or silent man, there is usually a critical woman. The men are taking a similar look at how they put distance in a relationship.
The purpose of these looks is not to divvy up blame but to point out that we all fall prey to the fear-shame dynamic when it’s allowed to run on automatic pilot. The extent to which we can understand and sympathize with each other’s hidden vulnerability to fear and shame will determine our success in finding love beyond words.