The Worst Thing a Woman Does to a Man

Shaming

 

Words hurt. Words destroy. Words can kill a relationship

 

Pat Love, marriage therapist and educator, interviewed 1500 couples regarding relationships. Three very relevant findings surfaced:

• Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please a woman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her. Furthermore, a man does not simply want to please her – he lives to please her.
• Women can easily see how frightening men are to them because of the threat of physical abuse, but the do not see their own power to evoke shame.
• What women often interpret as withdrawn, uncaring men, for the most part, are men overwhelmed by the criticism and unhappiness coming from their partners.

 

Many women have no clue how critical and demeaning they are to men. They see it as they are just trying to make him a better person: more thoughtful, considerate, responsible, reliable and so on.

 

Off the top of her head, Pat came up with over fifty ways she had inadvertently shamed her husband. Here are a few:

• Excluding him from important decisions: “I told my sister we would vacation with them this year,”
• Robbing him of the opportunity to help (by over-functioning and over doing): “Don’t bother – I’ll to it.”
• Correcting what he said: “It was last Wednesday, not Thursday.”
• Questioning his judgment: “Are you going to cook those eggs one at a time?”
• Giving unsolicited advice: “If you would just call, you’ll feel better.”
• Ignoring his advice: “This is woman’s stuff – you really don’t know anything about it.”
• Implying inadequacy: “I wish you had been at that workshop with me.” (not because he would have enjoyed it but because it would have “corrected some of his flaws”)
• Making unrealistic demands of his time and energy: “After you rotate the tires and paint the shed, I want you to listen to how my day was.”
• Overreacting (which is a form of criticizing his choice or behavior): “I can’t believe you voted for him.”
• Ignoring his needs (basically sending the message that his are not important): “You’re not tired; anyway, having company will give you energy.”
• Focusing on what I didn’t get, not on what I did: “It would have been better if you’d said ‘I’m sorry’ to begin with.”
• Withholding praises: “Well it is your job to mow the lawn.”
• Using a harsh tone: “I am so tired of this!”
• Valuing other’s needs over his: Saying to a friend, “Oh, he’s not too tired to come to pick you up and take you back home after we have a nice visit.”
• Undermining his wishes: “Saying to a relative, “I agree to have a quiet Thanksgiving, but if you invite us, he couldn’t say no.”
• Condescending: “You did an okay job picking out your shirt.”
• Name-calling: “You’re such a negative person.”
• Belittling his work: “Just what is it you do all day?”
• Showing little or no interest in his interests: “I can’t imagine what you see in that.”
• Criticizing his family: “Your sister didn’t even offer to help clean up the kitchen!”
• Ignoring him: Choosing friends over his company.
• Interpreting him: “What you really meant when you said you were tired is that you don’t want to listen to me.”
• Comparing: “The neighbor’s yard sure looks better than ours.”
• Dismissing: “I have to work.” (implying he doesn’t)
• Focusing on my own unhappiness: “I can’t live this way.”
• Making “you” statements: “You make me so mad I can’t think straight!”
• Expecting him to make me happy: ““If we just did more fun things together…”
• Globalizing: “Men are not capable of understanding.”
• Generalizing: “You’re never help around the house.”
• Therapizing: “You are trying to make up for your father.”
• Projecting my unhappiness on him: “I feel bad when I don’t talk, so you can’t possibly feel okay if you are this quiet.”

 

Other forms of shaming include:

• Believing they always know what is best for the relationship
• Rolling eyes
• Giving “the look”
• Being sarcastic
• Ridiculing
• Suggesting a “better way”
• Having unrealistic expectations
• Criticizing him in front of other people
• Making him feel unnecessary

 

For an eye-opener write “true” or “false” next to each of the following statements (choose “true” if it applies to you at least some of the time):

 

1. I exclude him from important decisions. ___
2. I don’t always give him a chance to help. ___
3. I correct things he says. ___
4. I question his judgment. ___
5. I give him unsolicited advice. ___
6. I suggest how he should feel. ___
7. I ignore his advice. ___
8. I imply that he is inadequate in some areas. ___
9. I’m often in a bad mood. ___
10. I think that he should at least match my use of time and energy. ___
11. When he says I overreact, I think he just doesn’t get it. ___
12. I ignore his needs that I think aren’t important. ___
13. I focus on what I don’t have instead of what I have. ___
14. I withhold praise because I think he doesn’t really deserve it or because

I don’t want him to get a big head.                                                                   ___

15. I use a harsh tone to get through to him. ___
16. I pay more attention to other people’s needs than to his. ___
17. I undermine his wishes ___
18. I am condescending to him. ___
19. I lack respect for his work. ___
20. I show little interest in his interests. ___
21. I criticize his family. ___
22. I interpret the “real meaning” of what he says and does. ___
23. I compare him to other men or, worse, to my girlfriends. ___
24. I don’t take his point of view seriously. ___
25. I believe he just can’t see my unhappiness. ___
26. I think he fails to make me happy. ___
27. If I’m unhappy, I tell him that he must be unhappy, too. ___
28. I roll my eyes when I think of some of the things he says and does. ___
29. He says I give him “the look”. ___
30. I am sometimes sarcastic to make my point or express my dissatisfaction

with his behaviors.                                                                                     ___

31. I use ridicule to get through to him ___
32. I usually have a “better way” of doing things. ___
33. Sometimes I think he is a jerk. ___
34. I have to tell him what he’s doing wrong. ___
35. I tell him that he never helps enough. ___
36. He can handle my feelings. ___
37. I believe that if his childhood or previous relationships were different,

We wouldn’t have these problems.                                                                   ___

38. I think I do more than he does. ___
39. I think that I understand relationships better than he does. ___
40. My friends treat me better than he does. ___
41. He disappoints me. ___

 

If you want some interesting feedback, ask him to take this quiz and see if he thinks you do any of these things.

 

When a woman criticizes a man, whether she does it deliberately or not, she makes it impossible for him to feel connected to her. Where there is a withdrawn or silent man, there is usually a critical woman. The men are taking a similar look at how they put distance in a relationship.

 

The purpose of these looks is not to divvy up blame but to point out that we all fall prey to the fear-shame dynamic when it’s allowed to run on automatic pilot. The extent to which we can understand and sympathize with each other’s hidden vulnerability to fear and shame will determine our success in finding love beyond words.