Leaving Her Alone, but Married
What makes marriage miserable for a woman is the isolation she feels when he husband seems to leave the marriage emotionally – a defense against shame. In an attempt to avoid the pain that accompanies shame, men take a well traveled road of shutting down emotionally. It works for them. They can ignore what seems to cause them to feel that shame. It never works for her. She feels isolated and alone. After time this will drive her away, and men do this without ever meaning to.
Here are some examples of how men leave their wives alone:
Alone at home
Women do the lion’s share of household chores and responsibilities: preparing meals, entertaining, maintaining family ties, decorating the home, shopping; organizing seasonal celebrations, and cultural and social events; and making dental and medical appointments – and that’s not adding in children and pets. Many men don’t understand how much time and effort it takes to keep a home running smoothly. It is not just the workload that gets her down. It is the feeling that she is the only one responsible for all there is to be done. Many men have the attitude that when they do housework it’s a favor. When women do housework it is forgotten.
This negative dynamic causes resentment in the wives. As well, the husbands can be irritable, feel entitled not to do it, resentful or angry. Men feel guilty – in their hearts they know they should do more; or unappreciated for the contributions around home they make. These feelings on the part of men are almost always shame based.
Remember, the primary way men deal with shame is to avoid whatever invokes it, while the primary way women deal with fear is to talk about it.
Here is a list of simple ways men can change this dynamic and not leave their wives alone that do not involve talking about it.
- Acknowledge that it is your responsibility, as well as hers, to keep your home life functioning satisfactorily.
- Appreciate all that she does for the home and family.
- Do your share of household chores, management, and meal preparation – make it less of a division of labor and more of a together activity.
- Do the chores you agree to in a timely fashion.
- Notice what needs to be done and do it without being told, asked or reminded.
- Willingly pay for help maintaining the residence.
- Pick up after yourself, and pick up after others,
Alone in her dreams
Wives have conscious and unconscious dreams of what their lives and their lives together with their husbands will be. Men don’t realize that a woman’s fear of isolation and deprivation can be triggered by leaving her out of any number of important aspects of his life. Here is a real-life list of ignored dreams that drove women away from the men in their lives:
- Alone in her dream to own a home
- Alone in her dream to have a faithful husband
- Alone in her dream for a large, loving family
- Alone in her dream to be active as a couple
- Alone in her dream to be seen as an equal
- Alone in her dream to have a place in his life where his mother could not interfere
- Alone in her dream for a home without angry outbursts
- Alone in her dream to have a romantic partner
- Alone in her dream to be respected in her work
Men who do any of the above are abandoning their wives in order to manage their own dread of failing as a provider, protector, lover, or parent. A man needs to value the longings of a woman’s heart, or he will leave her alone in her dreams and become the failure he dreads.
Here is a list of simple ways men can change this dynamic and not leave their wives alone that do not involve talking about it.
- If you know her dreams, keep them in mind when you make decisions.
- If you don’t know her dreams, pay attention and let her teach you.
- Understand that her dreams change – you need to continually update your information.
- Understand that he dreams are not the same as yours.
- Understand you have the ability to make her extremely happy.
- Become the guardian of her dreams, and make fulfilling and honoring them a priority.
- Take pleasure in fulfilling and honoring her dreams.
Alone on the outside of his life
For men, with always more to do than can get done, their work uses up the majority of their life energy. The question becomes: How does a man choose to recuperate from the stress of work? Does he go straight home from work to happy hour with coworkers or buddies? Does he come home and withdraw into his own world? Does he use silence, TV, the computer, or individual hobbies that exclude her? Does he come home with an attitude that says I’ve worked hard all day and now deserve to rest and be by myself. Does he use his weekends to pursue activities that are of no interest to her? If so, he is leaving her on the outside of his life.
Many men feel like they carry an extra burden of work. This is due not to any sense of fairness but to their dread of failing as providers. Ashamed to admit it to their wives, they cover it up with a sense of entitlement: “I have the right to relax in my own home.” This keeps their wives on the outside of their lives and jeopardizes the most important thing in their lives – their relationship.
Here is a list of simple ways men can change this dynamic and not leave their wives alone that do not involve talking about it.
- Suggest and plan activities that include her.
- Make sure that each week includes activities you enjoy together.
- Pay attention to her when you are out in public together.
- Develop rituals for time at home that include her, for example drinking coffee together in the morning, cooking dinner together, watching birds (or the Steelers) together.
- Increase contact time with her – affectionate touching or shared activities when work hours get long.
Alone in bed
Many men don’t realize how they take the fun out of sex. In the beginning of a relationship women like sex, they want sex, and they are full of sexual energy. Here are six common ways women say men leave them alone in bed:
- They confuse sex with intimacy. My husband has the one-stop-shopping approach to sex. He figures he can give me attention, get credit for being intimate, meet my needs for touching, be romantic, spend quality time with me, and make me a happy camper – all by having sex. Once that is over, I’m on my own.
- It’s all about him. Sex means one thing – his orgasm. He doesn’t ask If I’ve had an orgasm or if I’m satisfied. There is so little foreplay that I feel like I have to do it all myself. Even though I enjoy sex and want sex, I’ve become so resentful about his attitude that it has become more and more difficult to even enjoy sex.
- Sex is the only time he shows interest. I always know when my husband wants sex, because that’s the only time he’s affectionate. If he puts his arm around me or touches me, that’s his way of saying it’s time for sex. He has no idea how obvious he is. I feel like he is only interested in me when he wants to have sex. Otherwise he is in his own world.
- He devalues sex by making it crude. If sex is going to be a special experience for the two of us, I can’t reconcile that with making crude sexual jokes and constant sexual innuendos. To me, sex is a sacred act between a man and a woman; it’s such a turnoff to make it into a dirty joke. And, for sure, farting isn’t foreplay!
- He expects me to be like him. My husband doesn’t understand that for me sex has to have an emotional connection that is built on kindness and respect. Without that base I can’t get sexually aroused. Even when I do feel close to him. It takes me a while to get excited sexually. I can’t get there in five minutes, the way he can. I’ve never been able to make him understand that it takes more time and attention for me.
- He neglects me sexually. I’m in the awkward position of being the only woman among my friends who wants sex more that her husband. My girlfriends complain all the time about their husband’s insatiable sexual appetite while I am left high and dry. We have a role reversal. I want sex, but he doesn’t. What does he expect me to do with my sexual needs? I am truly alone in bed.
The male problem with sexuality is due almost entirely to his hypersensitivity to shame. “Womanhood” is rarely at stake in sexual encounters, whereas “manhood” in the mind of a man at least, is very often at risk. All of the above-described ways that men leave women alone in bed are attempts to reduce his dread of sexual inadequacy. If he pretends she doesn’t have needs, he doesn’t have to face the pain of failing her. Until a man changes the way he avoids sexual embarrassment or shame, he runs the risk of leaving her alone in bed.
Here is a list of simple ways men can change this dynamic and not leave their wives alone that do not involve talking about it.
- Pay attention to her when sex isn’t the motivation.
- Let her know she’s beautiful, attractive, sexy, sensual, not as a form of foreplay to get sex.
- Pay attention to her sexual needs and notice if she’s satisfied or not.
- Accept that her sexual needs are different than yours.
- Become an expert in arousing her intimately and sexually.
- Understand that she wants a great sex life.
- Do what you need to do to be a great sex partner.
Alone at the edge of his depression
Few people have an accurate understanding of this very treatable disease. Nor do many people understand the havoc depression can wreck on a relationship. Men as well as women suffer from depression but far more women seek help. This leaves many women alone on the edge of his depression. Negative stereotypes concerning depression make it difficult for men to seek help.
The truth is depression has many causes including genetic predisposition, lifestyle, stress, individual coping styles. When one person in a relationship is depressed, the divorce rate goes up nine times! This is due to the symptoms of depression. Imagine living with someone who:
- Has little interest in self or others
- Withdraws
- Has a negative attitude
- Blames others
- Procrastinates
- Overreacts to simple issues
- Cries easily and often
- Has unpredictable mood swings
- Lacks sexual interest
- In hyper-focused on sex
- Doesn’t feel the effects of love
- Gets jealous easily and often
- Is paranoid
- Uses passive-aggressive behavior
- Is prone to irritability, anger, aggression, and/or rage
- Takes inordinate risks
- Is insensitive to others
- Does not seem to care
- Is continually dissatisfied
- Is chronically unhappy
Depression does not come from bad relationships. It is more accurate to say that bad relationships come from untreated depression. Many men see seeking help of any kind as a sure sign of inadequacy, but to seek help for a mental health problem is particularly shameful. They see their role to be strong – physically and mentally. When his wife suggests he get help for his depression he hears that he is a failure and resist or get angry at her. Research clearly shows that, unless depression is addressed and alleviated, the woman will not only be left alone on the edge of his depression; sooner or later she will be gone.
Here is a list of simple ways men can change this dynamic and not leave their wives alone that do not involve talking about it.
- Understand that depression often shows up as alcoholism, drug addiction, anger, irritability, obsessive thoughts, controlling behavior, excessive guilt, insecurity, apathy, withdrawal, lack of motivation, procrastination, low sexual desire, and/or behaviors such as overeating, watching or reading pornography, having affairs, flirting, shopping, spending, and using the computer constantly. If you have one parent who had any of these behaviors, there is a fifty percent chance you will be depressed. If you have two parents with these behaviors, there is a seventy-five chance you will be depressed.
- Acknowledge any symptoms of depression you might have.
- Utilize the many resources available to offset depression, such as books, tapes, internet sites, medical advice, or professional mental health support. You might be surprised at how many other men suffer like you do. A good buddy can be an outstanding resource.
- Understand that depression is highly treatable and that taking steps to alleviate the symptoms will go a long way toward improving your relationship without talking!
Alone in her fears
Perhaps the most stressful form of isolation for a woman occurs when the person she would normally turn to for comfort is the source of threat. Men are frightening to women because of their brute strength and the heart-stopping force of their anger. Even when the anger is not directed at the woman, it still has a frightening effect. If he has a habit of overreacting and getting angry on a regular basis, she lives in a constant state of fear and alertness. In addition, she cannot feel completely safe or relaxed with him – a prerequisite for love, affection and connection.
He must take her at her word of how frightening he can be and regulate his anger which often rises from some unconscious and irrational sense that he is failing.
Here is a list of simple ways men can change this dynamic and not leave their wives alone that do not involve talking about it.
- Don’t go there – with your anger that is. The angrier you are, the scarier you are. The best way to get over being a scary person to the woman in your life is to control you anger. Contrary to popular belief, suppressing your anger will not make you depressed. You can transform your anger into compassion. Do it. If you can’t do it – get help. It can be done.
- It should go without saying that chronic resentment, angry outbursts, verbal aggression, emotional abuse, and physical violence have no place in relationships. If any of these behaviors have been a part of your life speak to Brent. He offers the most effective emotional regulation and anger reduction program available. This can be set up in a coaching relationship.
Alone on the edge of her competence
In one third of U.S. households the woman makes more money than the man. This can be a source of shame for men, not due to anything the woman does or says; but because of the long-standing notion that the man is the primary breadwinner and should make more money. This creates a bind where the more she excels, the worse he feels. This shame based resentment will drive them irrevocably apart.
Here is a list of simple ways men can change this dynamic and not leave their wives alone that do not involve talking about it.
- A man sees his role as protector and provider as more than just bringing home money. He has to protect and provide the emotional well-being of his loved ones. It’s important to keep in mind that the more competent she becomes, the more responsibility she has on her shoulders and the more she needs him to support and protect her. Every man knows what goes with accomplishment: lots of expectations and responsibilities. That burden can only be lightened by love and connection with a partner.
Alone period
When any of these voids exist in a woman’s life, it leaves a hole in her heart – a space waiting to be filled by someone or something to ease the pain of isolation. Sometimes the void can be filled with girlfriends, children, work, or hobbies – but the substitutes will not suffice forever. Of course, all this will increase his sense of failure. The good news is that a man can change the dynamic in a few very simple ways that we have listed. Also
- Women want men in their lives. They don’t want to be driven away. They want to be in a relationship and experience the benefits that love offers just as men do, which explains why following any of these guidelines can greatly improve your relationship without talking about it.